My son’s 75-step bedtime routine

“Nigh nigh. Love you. Awww.”

Once we hear those words, it means we’re home free. Whoever has the dreaded task of putting our 2-year-old son to bed can finally retreat and relax to the the living room for the night. i.e. face plant into the couch.

But. Until those adorable phrases cross his sweet wittle wips, we are locked in a battle of wills, surprisingly stellar stall tactics, and what could only be described as Supernanny’s worst nightmare.

As I was explaining Cal’s nighttime routine to a babysitter one night, I realized the ridiculousness of it. And thus the idea to share it publicly was born. Feel free to judge me all you want, but for the love of Paw Patrol, please chime in with the outlandish requests your toddlers make before bedtime. No need to disclose if you actually grant these demands. Ain’t no bedtime shaming here.

I’ll skip the jammies and teeth brushing part of the night and start with once we get into his room.

I let him pick out books from his bookshelf. To reach them, I hold him up on the changing table of his dresser, so when he’s done choosing, he trust falls back into my arms.

Next I sit him in the rocker.

Here’s where things start to get weird.

He then likes me to pretend I’m going to sit on his lap. I oblige in what looks like an air lap dance until he scootches over.

I then sit down and proceed to read.

Once we’re done with that, I take the lamp off the night stand and pretend like I have no idea how to turn it off. He “helps” me and then it’s pitch black in his room.

He then opens the door for a little light.

Then it’s time to tell everyone goodnight again. Big sis 1. Big sis 2. Dad. And we can’t forget the dog.

It’s back to bed where he proceeds to begin talking like a muppet for some reason.

He then chooses a blanket. The one he liked last night suddenly has the Cheese Touch.

I rub his back and get a sloppy kiss.

He needs a drink.

His jammies are suddenly too hot and we need a wardrobe change.

His feet are cold so we need socks.

He asks me to turn the monitor off and I do so by turning it around and saying beep-boop. (Realizing how irrational this sounds after typing it out!)

He asks me to open the curtain.

Turn on the fan.

Take the rails off his toddler bed when he turns three.

Turn the fan off.

Once I’ve shut the door he needs to go potty. Now any good parent knows it’s tough to call a bluff here. Doing so could result in
a) you really teaching your child a lesson about who’s the boss

b)your child teaching you a lesson about changing soiled sheets

c)toilet paper confetti and rising blood pressure

As you can see, I’m a very conservative poker player and tend to fold like a tent.

Though usually after our field trip to the bathroom, he’s out of excuses and we get to hear the five glorious words mentioned above.

Nigh nigh. Love you. Awww.

****

Ah crap, he started singing Twinkle Twinkle….